Sarz – lost a human

Did you used to gorge?
I was skinny when I started but the cheese toast was my gateway drug, and SIzzler my dealer. I ate more and more the older I got, stretching out my stomach so there was more to fill. I got fat and continued to get bigger through my 20s. In my 30s I lost 30kg five times over, but every time I would gain just a bit more back, finally topping out at 130kg and classified morbidly obese at 35yrs old.

But you’re a size 12?
I was a size 20. At 38 I thought “How do I stay alive in this vessel to harass the many men of Melbourne? I’m gonna have to shed this weight for good’.  I always loved myself – and I had no body or self confidence issues – I just loved food. Still do. Shout out to food!

So how’d you do it?
I obvs already knew how to lose weight: move more eat less blah blah. I researched weight-loss surgery and decided to get the gastric sleeve a few months after my 40th. They took out 90% of my stomach which had been stretched out from decades of over eating. As a result I have lost a human aka a total of 50kgs.

How did you prep?
A diet of shakds for two weeks. I did it for four. Just for shits and gigs.

Bloody hell well done! What is the repercussions of 90% less stomach?

• I’ m always cold – skinny bitches didn’t tell me about this
• I can eat whatever I want, just a less of it
• Can’t sleep on my side cos my knees now clang together in the night
• My boney ass hursts when I sit anywhere as I have no padding
• I have no money as I had to replace wardrobe every month since
• My eyes still get excited by food but I hit full tummy around four bites in
• I cannot eat junk. Processed food is too high in fat and salt. It hurts just to think about it.
• No degustations aka I can’t go to Attica. Devvo.

Is it bad for you, eating so little?
Nah I know how to hit nutrition macros with the right amount of protein, carbs etc. I’m still eating healthy, just less.

Did people go Shallow Hal on you?
Yes. I was invisible walking down the street – despite taking up more space than the average person. Now I get eyeballed erryday. Pfft.

How was it being large and in charge and working in the film industry?
People used to totally forget who I was even if I had worked with them before. I’d worked on six shows over 12 years with a very well known comedian. He was flirting with me a few weeks ago and couldn’t remember me at all. Dick. People are shallow as fuck.

That’s shit house.
Particularly guys. I was ignored by loads of straight dudes when I was fat, but now it seems I am worthy of their time. See, I was always worthy of love, respect and kindness, I was never lesser because I weighed more. Now, I’m not more just because I weigh less. But shallow tools seem to think I am. And I don’t respect people like that. Shout out to fatties WE ARE THE BEST

Did you have skin left over?
Yeah, I gotta get a tummy tuck. That’s the only downside (other than Attica). I look like a melted candle some days – but a fancy Jo Malone style candle.

How’s life going?
Same as ever – I wasn’t sitting by waiting for my life to begin once I lost weight. I didn’t think thinness was the gateway to life. I’ve always been a gym buff and trained hard, but I have just started training to compete in powerlifting because it suddenly appeals to me and I reckon I could kill it. See you at the Olympics in 2020 bitch.