In this modern age, it is not uncommon to be distracted in the local pub by the site of a man whose scalp closely resembles a cribbage board. We have reached an ironic gender equality, where male insecurities are now too being weaponised for profit by the capitalist machine.
For a pretty penny (and a few months of a thousand eyeballs stuck to your bloody head) the woes of male pattern baldness can be a thing of the past, but at what cost I hear you ask.
At what cost?
At the cost of the forever hat.
Cosmetic hair transplants are killing the male right of passage that is, selecting a forever hat. A forever hat is a vital part of a man’s personality once their northward hairiness starts to wain. Many looked forward to the moment they got to pick out their hair-loss hat. It is tradition that men reach a certain age and then pick which hat they will wear for the rest of their life or until the moment they decide to let go of the last few strands. Undoubtedly trying to convince themselves that they rock the bald head as successfully as Telly Savalas. Eventually their significant other will break the unfortunate news to them that in fact they do not look like Kojak, nor can they sing like him. The hat one selects often shapes what hobbies they will pursue and what their persona in the latter half of life will be.
The process of selecting which hat to commit to is certainly one of trial and error. Very rarely does a gent pick a winning hat on the first time around. Often the trap men fall into is to decide that their forever hat is also an opportunity to completely overhaul their personality, and select headwear with far too much verve and zeal. In turn, drawing far more attention to their withering hairline than they desired.
The standard and most incognito choice is a baseball cap of some kind. These are oft referred to as the “Dad Hat” for the very reasons I have mentioned. Not necessarily in bald men, but certainly among balding men, the baseball cap is a lifeline. The tufts of hair either side of the ears gives the illusion that their dome is also covered in a similarly thick fur.
However, men that don’t want their forever hat to be of a subtle nature might opt for something slightly more eye catching. These include the pork pie hat, ushanka and flat cap. Deciding factors in which of these more conspicuous variants a man might select, are climate, class and commitment… the three c’s.
Class. The flat cap is truly the working man’s forever hat. A hat of the people and an excellent choice if one finds themselves doffing their headwear frequently. On the flip side, a bowler or top hat is more commonly aligned with wealth and gentry.
Climate. If in a cooler locale, something like the ushanka is a perfect option for standing out whilst also keeping the noggin toasty. Additionally, the haste in which a balding man is forced to adopt the religious habit of hat wearing, could prove a lifesaving move in hot climates such as Australia. I don’t think it’s a big call to say that male pattern baldness helps prevent skin cancer. The embarrassment of thinning hair is nature’s reminder to slap on a hat.
Finally, commitment. Depending on how committed a person feels toward donning a forever hat, will indicate how flamboyant they can go with headwear selection. It is a bold man’s (yes) move to chose a trilby or panama straight out of the gate.
First it was the combover, now it is the forever hat. These are the innocent victims of the cosmetic surgery industry and changing male beauty standards. Yes, there might now be an opportunity to be deemed more attractive to potential love interests in older age, but is that really worth sacrificing a personality supplementing hat for?
I’ll let you sit with that and decide for yourselves.
Either way, I would advise against purchasing shares in a boutique millinery anytime soon.
