How to rock the sht outta Oaks Day

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OK bishes I’m calling it – this years Oaks Day was the best VRC event in the last 18yrs. Fckn fackt.

I’ll begin by saying I HAVE BEEN TO MORE VRC EVENTS THAN YOU HAVE in my short 390 years on this planet. Since I started going at 18 back when you would charge someone $1 to use your phone and the Birdcage was heaps easy to sneak into, up until this week when you spend $1 to charge your phone and I saw someone tie a garbage bag around their waist to hide their midriff so they could get into the Birdcage.

No not much has changed in 20 years, it’s still same ole Spring Racing Carni folk but stand out, it was.

I jumped outta the shower at 955am and blow dried the mane, chucked in some bobby pins, put on the Zara dress I bought a year ago that smells of dust, wedges, silver headband, make up = DID …AND I LOOKED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL WOODLAND FAIRY don’t tell me you need more than 15min to get  ready for anything. 

To start off, I went to see Fashions of The Field and I have to say that the people OFF the runway looked way more interesting and farshun than the people who made the top 10. This this years judges need to stop taking boring pills because the winners were SNORE. Here are some baes who were like ‘Fuck looking like a basket of wheat, IMMA JUST DO MY THING’ –

OK so NORMALLY I would say that the best formula for any Spring Race Day are these places at these times:
11 – Fashions on the Field
1230 – Members
215 – Car parks
315 – Birdcage
430 – General Admin

HOWEVER I didn’t know anyone in the members OR the carpark this year so waa waa I went straight to…

THE mthrfckn BIRDCAGE biiiish
I refused to even look in the Bumble cage because who the hell do they think they are and also no STDs for me today thank you
3AW wouldn’t let me talk my way in DAFAQ is with the security when Kate Stevenson isn’t even there?
CrocMedia (WHO?) was in place of the usual Lavazza shitshow thank you Croc whoever you are LAVAZZA PLEASE NEVER COME BACK
Furphy had three security but they were easy to dodge however it was vrrry boring w/ zero celebs unless you count Matthew Richardson
Herald Sun had nice decor and a couple of kewl door girls, had a chat with some champs and continued onto…
Lexus where I ended up having THE BEST RACE DAY EVER

They were in prime pozzie which essentially means nothing other than I didn’t have to walk AS far to the train station. Their cage was three levels, bottom was for toilets and to look at their new car (slash get photographed by it), top floor was a restaurant you could book into by the hour (free food with the best views of the racetrack) and middle level had a balcony, the bar and the Dfloor. And thus I didn’t leave this area.

Celebs I spotted: Jo Hall, Shane Crawford, Megan Gale, her tall BF, Rick Ponting, Andrew McConnell and his wife who was the best dressed in Lexus (full length blue floral dress with cuffs KWEEN rocked hard) and Telv and Patrick from Married At First Sight being fun and kewl.

The DJ started dropping mad beats, a singer came out, a drummer and a sax player…  then Irene, a 77yr old BAE FROM BAETOWN, got on the drums because she was having a mtherfckn ball, everyone lost their sanity and THAT IS WHEN THE PARTY STARTED.

Then I spotted this legend who had a STAR WARS VINYL FASCINATOR THAT SPUN and I realised heaven was real.

This dude was loving the tunes and wouldn’t stop grabbing random chicks to dance with (this is the 16th girl I saw him dance with in about 90min – MAN HAD GAME)

The saxophone player from Tokyo who turned the dancefloor into a moshpit

    They served ice-cream lamingtons and suddenly it was 6pm and we all got kicked out. Walking back I saw this guy spewing –

And this chick REFUSING TO WALK ANY FURTHER and damn right look at the height of those heels

Found the Horseywood Walk of Fame in Ascot VAle

Ended up eating chips and drinking prosecco in a bottle-o

Got picked up in an Uber RANDOMLY BY THE GUY WHO WON LAST SATURDAY’S MENS FINAL OF FASHION OF THE FIELD and smashed a burger in my PJs before going to bed because THIS IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN END THE BEST VRC DAY EVS

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