A covert war is being waged. The battlegrounds are the gentrified inner city suburbs. Its antagonists are sandwich shops armed with good looking staff and seductive graphic design principles. We are the victims, the sandwich loving suckers that are parting with too many of our hard earned dollars in exchange for a silly, little, scrumptious sanga.
I solemnly declare that sandwich warfare has reached the streets of Melbourne, and I’m not just talking about the rise in ham to ham combat.
Expensive sandwiches are bordering on cultural appropriation. Upwards of $20 for a sandwich is downright obscene. The food of the working classes is being used against us en masse. Disguised between two beautiful slices of artisanal bread, is exploitation. It’s the only way to say it.
As a veritable authority on all things sandwich, based purely on consumption figures alone. I take it upon myself to rally the downtrodden and preyed upon in our community, that are being taken advantage of. The deliciousness of the sandwich is the very thing that is blinding us. We are unable to see the price gouging that occurs, cloaked by the good name of the sandwich.
In our collective psyche, we have been conditioned to connect packing a sandwich for lunch at work or school, as being the cheaper option. Now, that association between sandwiches and affordability is being leveraged for nefarious purposes.
When the glitz and glamour of modern sandwich culture is stripped away, the bare bones of what a sandwich should be, is as clear as day. A sandwich is not about mouth-watering cross sections or a side of dipping consommé. Sandwiches are beautifully simple. A handful of good quality ingredients on some fresh bread is all that’s required. I’m circling prosciutto, mozzarella and olive oil territory here.
So, how do we fight back against these militant merchants?
The long and the short of it is, to go shopping. Preferably at a market. Stock your fridge and pantry with the ingredients you’d want on your dream sandwich, and be wowed when the realisation hits. You are making six or seven sandwiches for the same price as the one from the sandwich shop run by models.
To take it a step even further, you can blatantly copy the sandwiches that they sell at your favourite shop. This way you can make them in the comfort of your own home, which is especially handy if you are feeling a little too dusty to face the day. Plus it allows for modifications that may cause eyes to be rolled if requested in public. So, dip your egg-salad sandwich in a bathtub full of bovril and enjoy the cost savings.
In a turn that nobody expected, especially not me. I believe we may have stumbled upon something adjacent to genuine cost-saving advice in the midst of a cost of living crisis. I do apologise.
Normal service will resume in good time.
