Much to my surprise, a long lost Russian cousin sent me a recording of Prime Minister Turnbull’s congratulatory call to President elect Donald Trump
Trump’s P.A. I’ve got Australia’s Prime Minister on the line for you.
Trump Put him through. It is a man I hope. So many of them are going with women these days.
P.A. Yes sir. It is a man.
Trump OK. Hi there. How are you? How shitfull is it having that trollop Merkel as your next door neighbour!
Turnbull Angela doesn’t have a home in Potts Point as far as I know.
Trump Aren’t you Heinz Fischer, Austria’s President.
Turnbull No Donald. I’m Malcolm Turnbull from Australia.
Trump Australia. Shit. Sorry Malcolm. Not a bad ranch you Aussies have down there. Bit like us with the Heinz 57 different varieties. All that multi-cultural PC bullshit. I’d prefer 56 or 55 different varieties. I’ve been hoping you’d call.
Turnbull Of course I’d call. What an exciting time to be the President of America. We’re here for you Donald. America can count on Australia’s full support. You start a war, we’ll be in right behind you, to help you win it.
Trump God no! We don’t want to win them too soon. No money in it. We make the big bucks when they drag on and on. No, I couldn’t give a fuck if you’re in our next war. I’ve already got my team working on the next nation we can invade. I hope to announce it on Jan 20, Jan 21 at the latest.
I need your advice.
Turnbull I’m flattered you’re interested in any of my opinions. How exciting. Can’t wait to tell Lucy.
Trump I’ve fucked up. Even worse than you. I wasn’t meant to win. Fucken joke. I can’t believe how many dickheads voted for me.
I believe you’re worth a dollar or two. Well, I’m so fucking rich, money is coming out of every orifice of every member of my family.
I’ve got the best home in the world and soon I’ll be forced to live in that shitbox White House. I’ll fucking rename it The Outhouse.
Turnbull I don’t see how I can help you Donald. Maybe you could get Alec Baldwin to double for you? He could live in The White House and you could stay in your Tower.
Trump Wouldn’t work. That lowlife is a Democrat. He’d never agree to it.
I want to know how you got out of having to live in the dog’s box you Aussie PM’s have to call home?
Some very bad, really, really bad people wrote our fucking constitution and it says the President has to live in The White House. I can’t get out of it. Err, don’t take what I just said about the constitution as gospel. Never read it. Why the fuck would I? Boring. Boring. Boring. Bunch of stiffs wrote it; well those motherfuckers can get fucked.
Turnbull Donald. I just said I wasn’t going to live there, no matter what.
Trump Love your balls Malcolm. You’re a good, really good person.
When I think of what I could do with that land. If only they’d let me knock it down. Great spot for a casino, or a par 3 golf course. Or maybe, an inner city beach resort.
Turnbull Your winters are a bit grim in Washington for a beach resort.
Trump Good point. Better go. My little Russian buddy has just called. By the way. If you ever need help filling in your tax return, just give me a call. See you buddy.
Turnbull How exciting was that! Donald loves my balls and will help me with my tax return.
Lucy. Lucy. I’ve got some exciting news. Lucy. Where are you. Lucy. I can never find you when I want to. We need to get a smaller house.