the right wing guide to pleasuring

TISM see sex less in terms of penetration, especially now they can’t achieve it. As award-winning author of The Slap, Christos Tsiolkas, said so wisely after TISM explained to him their theories of the intertwined nature of patriarchal hierarchy and the reluctance of cis-gendered males to grasp a less phallocentric conception of pleasure: “Who are you guys? Piss off.”

Like most people seeking guidance on the fugitive impermanence of the sensual, our first thoughts turned inevitably towards the right wing of the Liberal party.

Craig Kelly, Liberal member for Hughes, explains: “Listen to Enobarbus’s description of Cleopatra:

The barge she sat in, like a burnished throne

Burned on the water. The poop was beaten gold;

Purple the sails, and so perfuméd that

The winds were love-sick with them.

It’s clearly impossible that a burning water-throne could be powered reliably by anything other than coal. Perfuméd sails are all very well, but what happens when the wind doesn’t blow and the sun doesn’t shine? And recycling beaten gold into poop shows just how crazy these greenies are.”

Kelly is insistent on the role of imagination in love-making: “I imagine my lover lying in a bed of scattered peonies, carried on a chariot drawn by twelve white ponies, serenaded by a choir of Sky News phonies. It’s pure fantasy, but so is carbon capture and storage.”

Pleasure often involves danger – a routine love life can be ignited by just a hint of George Christensen. We spoke to him via Skype from Manila: “Jesus came again, and so should you. Not only did the Lord enjoin us to love the poor, it’s also cheaper.”

Tim Smith, Victorian Liberal member for the sexually adventurous suburb of Kew, has certainly seen it all. From his birthplace of Camberwell, in the inner east of Melbourne, he has now, years later, successfully travelled the long and risky four kilometres to his High Street electoral office. Educated at Scotch College, Rugby School, and Melbourne University, Tim has experienced the whole range of social experience, right through from lawyer to orthodontist.

After a strangely garbled start to our discussion, in which he insisted his bill to change the spelling of his electorate to “Q” had no relation to conspiracy theories, he explained the basis of all good love-making: “Probably the most harmful effect of the disastrous coronavirus pandemic – besides the interruption to my golf days – has been the growth of weird fringe theories like ‘sacrificing for the common good’. Frankly, I’d never heard the phrase. When Tim Wilson showed me some filthy websites explaining the idea I was aghast. Following self-interest is the key to love. It works for me in bed, just like it works for me in life. When it comes to pleasure, I believe in first past the post. This is how everyone benefits! After I climax my partners often tell me they want to leave. I want them to leave too! We’re both happy. See, the system works.”

And we all know Tim Wilson’s even-handed judgement is legendary. The member for Goldstein’s stance on franking credits is an example: he doesn’t support governments asking corporations for unpaid taxes, but he carefully balances this with his insistence governments refund people for taxes they haven’t paid. Wilson was also a “Modern Liberal”, until he wasn’t.

Wilson’s philosophy of sexuality is formidably complex, and – a warning – his arcane and subtle language can be hard to follow: “Power is the great aphrodisiac,” he says, a twinkle in his eye. “You cocksuckers don’t get it. We in the right wing don’t give a fuck what decision is made. NBN? We opposed it vehemently right up till the nano-second we wanted to do it. Government debt? A disaster, until it’s us spending the money. The Westminster tradition? Our party was founded to uphold those traditions, so we knew exactly what we were doing when we shat all over them to get Whitlam out. The free market? It’s a fine and powerful thing, but that doesn’t mean it should get in the way of me making money. God fuck me, why else do you think we all joined the Liberal party?! Christian love? It’s something we fully believe in, but it shouldn’t be foolishly squandered on other people.

Of course we’ll eventually have a carbon tax. We’re not fucking morons. We’ll just wait until we’re all so close to frying that the country is in chaos and needs a brave strong leader who has the guts to reimpose order. And that’s not going to be a cabal of bozos like the Labor party. Fuck, you people deserve to be ruled. That’s what shits me most about Dan Andrews. I don’t care about his fucking lockdown, I care that ‘he’s enjoying the clampdown too much in terms of the authority and power it’s given him.’[1] It’s not for the likes of him to enjoy power. That’s our job.

We in the right wing don’t want to do anything in particular, you moron. We just want to be in charge.”

You don’t get more rawly sexual than that!

Kelly, Christensen, Smith, Wilson: after a certain age, many men have to find new ways to pleasure, and these four men have certainly done that. They show us all a great truth: you don’t need penetration to fuck Australia.

RHB

TISM are re-releasing their music on CD and vinyl. This will be done with David Roy Williams Entertainment. We found David lying in a gutter on Little Lonsdale Street. Thankfully, he helped us up.