31 March – 2 April

joffMaddawgs of Melbourne

This is Joff. He is the kind of guy who rocks two pairs of glasses at a time. He was big in the pottery scene of Warrandyte in the 70’s while also being a deep sea diver erecting (lol) oil rigs in Bass Straite. Joff got married, divorced and hit that mid-life crisis patch hard. But instead of buying a car, he became a firefighter and rose through the ranks over time to Acting Assistant Chief Fire Officer with the Melbourne Metro Fire Brigade to be specific. He was often on the color-box giving statements, as he also put out flames at the Big Ones: Ash Wednesday, Coode Island and Black Saturday to name just a few.
Are all firemen shredded muscle gods?
When I joined lot of them were fat-gutted lazy bastards. It destroyed my concept for a few years. But the new generation are pretty good, they’re pretty sharp.
Ok so go for the young ones. Got it. What was a fire you went out to and were like ‘C’mon, seriously?’
Smoke alarms above toasters, seen plenty of those. Thinking back on my 34 years, and without getting in to too much detail, people had a lot of things erm, stuck on themselves. Eventually we get called in. We’re talking saucepans stuck on kid’s heads. There was even a woman who said she ‘sat on the tap’ in the shower, and we had to release her from that. The fire brigade invented a ring-cutter to get washers and other bits and bobs off people’s fingers. The record was SEVEN metal washers on one man’s appendage.
What about..  
Oh, also there was another guy who had an ornate twisted fire-poker stuck somewhere he didn’t want it, he said he ‘fell over’ onto it. We had to cut off the remaining length of it so he could get to hospital to have it removed.
No cats up trees?
Yeah in the 90’s we had a CEO who was fond of cats, and he legislated in our response matrix that we had to go out to ‘cats up trees’ calls. I do suspect that some of the outlaying stations would get them out with a hose.
What was the hardest thing you had to deal with?
Car fatalities were awful. Traumatising. Kids are the worst. Actually, one of the worst things we have found were people that had got into water tanks above ground. Cooked alive in the bushfires.
That sounds awful. Can you…
Oh wait – once there was a guy in Brighton (former Mayor) who was a hoarder. It took us three days to find him in the ashes, because his house was solid with everything from beer to videos to couches lining the walls. Have you heard of a hangi? It’s a traditional NZ style of slow cooking. It was pretty much that with him in it.
Oh, that sounds awful. Don’t you have nightmares?
No I don’t but many of my compatriots have been affected. There is a dark side but there is far more on the bright side.
And now?
I’ve retired from being a firey. Now I’m a cartoonist for a local paper. I also build boats and classical guitars in my spare time. I’m also in the middle of writing a book about a cottage I built on the Gippsland lakes 20 years ago. I’m married to an amazing woman named Cherry who I met when running a pottery class. We were recently crowned King and Queen of Warrandyte at the annual festival. I was dressed as Henry the Eighth, she was Cleopatra, and we rode camels down the main street.

Are you going to the World’s 50 Best Restaurant awards live site count down in Fed Square happening next Wednesday? Kewl, see you there..

This weekend
Melbourne Food and Wine Festival @ Melbs (31 Mar – 9 Apr) –  the time when stuffing your face and being drunk is celebrated by all. Outside of Xmas. And like, weekends in general.
Lord of the Flies @ Arts Centre (5-9 Apr) – Proudly sponsored by Mortein.
Melbourne International Flower and Garden Show (29 Mar – 2 Apr) – follow the smell of lavender, the blur of grey hair and the trail of those boiled lollies covered in sugar dust. You know in those lil gold tins. Yeah follow those.
Fed in French @ Federation Square (31 Mar – 2 Apr) – feed me like one of your French gurrrrrrrls.
2017 Yarra Valley Food and Wine Festival @ Yarra Valley (1-2 Apr) –people will celebrate food and wine in the Yarra Valley for the first time ever. Noooooot.
Otway 300 @ Otways (1-2 Apr) – led by Gerard Butler, 300 of the buffest men on the planet walk in slow motion for two hours straight.
River Graze @ Melb (31 Mar – 2 Apr) – bandage all knees before attending.
The Peninsula Picnic @ Mornington (1 April) – faded salmon chinos for the win.
Shady Cottage Music and Leisure Festival @ Trentham (31 Mar-2 Apr) – Slim Shady moves to the country, then eats a lot of peaches and cottage cheese.
Mr Stink @ Arts Centre Melbourne (1-9 Apr) – Lynx Africa makes its stage debut.
By The Meadow @ Bimbra (31 Mar – 2 Apr) – down by the meadow, beneath the willow tree, lay the most beautiful man, you ever did see. His hurr is long, his dark brown eyes, a huge broadsheet rests between his thighs. A well-read bae is the one to pash, provided, of course, I don’t end up with a rash.
Cerita Anak @ Arts Centre  (30 Mar – 2 Apr) – think puppetry of the peen. But, like, without the peen. And with kids. So actually, don’t think Puppetry of the Peen… like, at all. Gross guys.
Andersons Mill Fest @ Smeaton (2 Apr) – can’t think of a joke, too busy drinking my water out of a wine glass #wednesdays
Melbourne International Coffee Expo @ Melbourne (30 Mar – 1 Apr) – Why are men like coffee? Cos the best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night. Thank you, here all night, enjoy the steak.
Bellarine Bounty: Tomato Celebration and Seaside Lunch @ Basil Farms (2 April) – wear sunscreen or risk becoming a tomato that ~isn’t~ celebrated by the seaside.

Eat & Drink by The Sprink

Ben & Jerry’s @ my stomach – I swore I wouldn’t buy anything at the petrol station on the way home. I swore it to my soul, as I pulled up to the pump and filled my red beast full of dinosaur-liquid-fossil-fuel (that is what petrol is yeah?). I knew I could resist as I walked past the ice-cream fridge. But when I arrived home, I found my body had deceived my mind, and a Ben&Jerry’s Cookie Dough has found its way into my hands.
So I ate it.

24 – 26 March

Maddawgs of Melbourne

This is Di. She is straighty one-eighty 9-5 but on the weekend and after werk, she is, by all accounts, a rat bag party animal. You can find her touring manufacturing plants trying to work out policy reforms by day.. and downing champers* in the VIP room at the opening of VAMFF  by night, rockin those nudie shoulders like the glamour that she be.
Despite being a party rat, Di has spent the majority of her career werking hard and doing the good things for Victoria. One of her fave jobs was when she was the marketing manager at the Melbourne Zoo, where she met her boo and..
Woah woah you had me at zoo. Tell me an animal story.
My favourite boots were ruined once when a highly endangered, miniature giraffe sprayed on them.
And another.
I once relocated the entire meerkat exhibition into the Myer windows. I was vilified by animal liberation however birches need ta chill cos an eminent zoologist said it would be sweet. And it was.
Did you get Myers discounts for life after that?
I hope David Jones treats you well. Tell me another one.
I one had to escort a group of sumo wrestlers on ‘the longest foot journey we have ever been on’ because they were too heavy for the road-load (the onsite bus couldn’t take them).
Fave werk story ever?
I had lunch with the Queen once. It was y2k, and a group of us from Ballarat Tourism were invited to dine with her at Sovereign Hill. There was food flying like crazy all over the table because everyone was so nervous we couldn’t eat properly. Steve Moneghetti couldn’t get a fork in his potato.
He always had a forking problem tho. How did you meet your boo?
Well all good things take place at the zoo. He was an education officer at the time, and we had secret rendezvous behind the aldabra tortoise exhibit every day for lunch.
Note: Di says they just ate their sangas together.. but srsly look at her. Ain’t no way that man was just there to talk about his egg and lettuce combo.
ALSO – it’s her bday on 25th of March and to make Di feel spesh, please share The Sprink on Facebook that day and giver her a shout out. HOLLA
*Note: empty glass

The World’s 50 Best Restaurants awards LIVE SITE count down in Fed Square is coming up on 5th April. See all you Sprinks there.

This weekend
Australia Formula One Grand Prix @ Albert Park (23 – 26 March) – a friend of mine used to work at the GPrix. On the final day, his one job was to take the chequered flag from the office to the finish line. On the way there he literally lost it. They ended up using one from the souvenir shop.
Lights by DreamWorks @ Rosebud (25 Mar – 30 April) – It’s Wednesday. You are laying in bed reading The Bronze Horseman for the third time, when Shrek walks into the room. He stares at you with a loving intensity as he unbuckles his belt and slowly drops his brown vest to the floor. He pulls his stained white man-dress over his head and his ears bob softly as he walks towards you in such a masculine way it takes your breath away. ‘Lights out baby’ he says, as he kisses you softly on the nose and turns off the bedside lamp. You feel his huge arms wrap themselves around you and you sigh, relaxing into his embrace.. omg foul what am I doing.
High Country Hops Festival @ Beechworth (25 Mar) – bees get high and hop around to country music while trying to understand their worth.
Wombat Boogie @ Trentham (25-26 Mar) – shake their lil hairy booties all over the dancefloor, get knocked back from Revs, down a souva with extra garlic sauce, and get a taxi home but not via the tolls.
Asia Pop Fest @ Arts Centre (24 Mar) – pop tarts were handed around, and then sodas, followed by pop-rocks. The group of students looked at each other ‘Let’s go out with a bang’. They nodded and turned their iPhone to silent…
Sprout Fest @ Coldstream (26 March) – a celebration of things you can sprout and fester all on your own.
The Hills are Alive @ South Gippo (24 – 26 Mar) – ALIVE.. ALIVE I TELL YOU. RUN.
Yackandandah Folk Festival @ Yackandandah (24-26 March) – ahhh yes, the folk of Yack are dandy dah.
Horsham Country Music Festival @ Horsham (23-26 March) – cowboys strumming, cowgirls humming, piggies snuffing, horses bucking, and something else you can do in the country that rhymes.
Passenger @ Arts Centre (Mar 23 – 26) – basically you get on a bus, and SURPRISE THEATRE.
Women of the World Festival Melbourne @ Footscray Community Arts Centre (23 – 25 March) – Kweens unite and agree we really should all run da world.
The Festival of Women’s Cycling @ around the place (25-26 Mar) – because women aren’t allowed to cycle any other time of year.
Lara Food & Wine Festival @ Lara’s place mate (26 March) – Lara Bingle’s latest and greatest adventure.
Hot Dub Wine Machine @ Yarra Valley (25 Mar) – hawt durb whine mashup bruh get down here it’s epic
Top Arts 2017 @ NGV (24 Mar – 16 July) – literally an exhibition full of art work from people younger than you who are more creative than you. Sozza.
Pets in the Park @ Malvern East (26 March) – pooches in the bushes, pussies in the trees, peeps in on the lawn.

Eat / Drink by The Sprink
WTF why is this in italics?

Serotonin Cafe @ Burnley Station – as these italics baffle me, so too does the fact that I have only recently discovered Serotonin Cafe. I was with my bud Cass who is a vegan to the max (animals for LYF) and I had heard about this magical cafe that only serves organic, vegan, serotonin-raising foods. So, to pretend like I knew what was up, I took her here. The menu was elaborate and that was just for the LATTES – you could get gingerbread ones, choc mint and other flavours that I didn’t pay attention to because I saw on the list COCONUT ESPRESSO BOMB. Which I ordered. And out came a coconut with a straw and a lil coffee shot. Was it going to curdle? How was this nut and this other nut flavour combo going to werk? I don’t know science but ever since I was touched by the lips of a handsome Frenchman once, I have come to know heaven – THIS was the drink-equivalent.
Jesus. H. Cheeses. How can this not be on the menu at every single cafe in the city?
Ok dranks aside, the menu was off its head. Bowls of veggie goodness – big bowls – pancakes made of bananas, waffles made of avocado and Mexicans, doughnuts that are covered in chocolatey YASness but are made from THINGS THAT ARE GOOD FOR YOU.
So yeah, if you’re anything like The Sprink – you will go back to this cafe time and time again cos it is so damn good and you’re the type of person who gets addicted to things – healthy eats, handsome men, Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights, whatever.
Oh and final note – instead of seats or stools THEY HAVE SWINGS.

17 – 19 March

Maddawgs of Melbourne

This is Anna. She grew up in the Western suburbs of Melbourne where her first job was delivering loaves of dad’s bread to all the locals who used to high-five her but as she is Asian she wasn’t nice to them until they had paid.
Everyone in Anna’s family werked and twerked the hospo scene running the original Bahn Mi Empire of the 90’s, back before that dish was kewl. While she loved food and was addicted to that lil white gluten devil, she also loved to draw, and suprised her family when she announced she was going to study architecture at RMIT instead of continuing the business. She went to RMIT and majored in the drawing of buildings and minored in micro-nations because Anna literally has way too much ADD to concentrate on just one thing.
Hang on, what the hell is a micro-nation? Literally a tiny independent country that has it’s own rules and sh*t. And like, hardly any people. There are heaps around – Australia in particular – from Principality of Sealand to Nova Roma to Principality of Hutt River *
Yeah but like.. what.. actually, I don’t get it? People define territory and start their own nation – independent sovereign states with their own rules.
Riiiight well what’s the weirdest one you remember? There was one where the rulers lived on a tiny, tiny island off Australia and they invited people to a knighting ceremony. About ten people flew over in helicopters to watch the king and kween knight their own son and then they all flew back again that same day because there wasn’t any room for them to stay.
I am so bewildered, I can’t talk about this anymore. Yeah kewl.
Anyhoo, so after years of random study, architecture and then slaving for da man, she decided life was just too easy so she opened her own Vietnamese restaurant in Yarraville called Friend or Pho (which she architected). Why back to kitchen? Cos she: 1) couldn’t shake that lil white gluten devil; 2) is a feeder. ‘I’m Viet so feeding is in the soul’ 3) she is a proper WESTY through and through and wanted back into the Wuburbs.
Favourite part about restaurant life? All the old high-fivers of the 90’s come past and say hi to me still –  they are happy that I came back to the neighbourhood.

Violent Femmes @Arts Centre (16 Mar) – Ms Violet Beauregarde has her pick of the snozzberries.
Melbourne Design Week @ NGV (16 – 26 Mar) – the one week a year that Melburnians are invited to wear something other than black.
Top Designs 2017 @ Melbourne Museum (18 Mar – 16 July) – top not bottom. Chillout Festival was last weekend guys.
The Melbourne Tomato Festival @ Northcote (19th March) – Guy Grossi squeezes his fave fruits all over the trams.
Herb and Chill Festival @ Wandin (18-19 Mar) – Herb rubs chilli all over Wandin.
Ararat Jailhouse Rock Festival @ Ararat (17-19 March) – to rock and/or roll. That is question.
Castlemaine State Festival @ Castlemaine (17-26 March) – the new Northcote puts on a party that will raise property prices and make Maldon the new, new Northote. #icalledit
Sharks and Silent Disco @ Melb Aquarium (18 Mar) – there will literally be murder on the dancefloor.
Melbourne Art Book Fair @ NGV International (16-19 Mar) – I went to this last year and I have never felt less like a hipster in my life.
Snag and Beer Festival @ Heathcote (17 March) – I’ll just take the sausage thanks xx
Middle Eastern Food Truck Festival @ Food Truck Park (17 Mar) – I’ll ~definitely~ take the sausage.
Arnie’s Stongman and Strongwoman Championships @ MCEC (17 – 19 Mar) – because EVERYONE can be strong. And run for Governator. And sleep with their house cleaner.

The Bearded Man @ South Yarra – by SAM our social media guy.

Gang, I cheated this week. I’m disgusting, and I hate myself. I’m practically Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman minus the necklace (should have been pearl). 

Hear me out, people. I cheated on my hair dresser. Since moving $outh $ide I’ve made a lot of changed. New coffee joint, new supermarket (aldi4lyf), new train station… and it doesn’t have the new, quick myki stalls either fml.

But there’s one part of my life that’s still North. My hair dresser. She’s 100% bae, and I’d recommend her to anyone and everyone (Eros Hair Lounge in North Melb x). But when I have a day off, or need to nip out for a quick hair cut I can’t because North Melbourne is sahhhhhh farrrrrr awayyyyyy. I might as well go to Shit-ney for a hair cut. Ugh..


Louisa by name, Bae-isa by profession. She was the KWEEN of my hair. She werks at The Bearded Man on Chaps, and it’s a ripper of a place. Fab tunes, fab decor, and on weekdays they have an in house barista.. excuse me but are we in NYC?? #GLOBALCITY

I’d 100% recommend her for all you boiz out thurr that need to gets yo hurr did. 

dan mar13

Note from Dan Austin, our resident sketchie:
Dear Sprank, Here is a new picture. This building is a personal favourite.. includes a stunning City Mart and dusty empty floors. Hard to see, but it’s a gem of a building. Nobody will get this. But as Whitney once said ‘Ít’s not right, but its OK, I’m gonna make it anyway’. Many things wrong with this picture but remember I did it for Australia.

LAST WEEKS SKETCH – was the old music-shop-turned-miso-place in KEW JUNCTION and the KWEEN who guessed it was Mimi West. I will be sprinking her as soon as she recovers from her weekend at Golden Plains.

10 – 13 March long weekend

Maddawgs of Melbourne

This is Casey. He is the head honcho of Andrew McConnell’s empire, running the kitchens of Cutler & Co, Cumulus Inc and Marion (best. restaurant. evah).  He has always been into cooking ever since his first job as a kitchen hand at 13 which was followed by a salt-spinkler (omg) at a fish’n’chip shop before working his way up to ‘proper’ restaurants at the tender age of 20. Casey and his legendary wife (high school sweethearts AWWWW) worked the hospo scenes of NZ for a few years, and then flew off to London and San Fran where they werked with some of the best chefs in the world. They moved to Melbs 6 years ago and reckon it’s pretty choice aye.

Worst thing to happen to you in a kitchen?
I was working with Charlie Trotter who was a notorious psychopath – when someone dies people tend never to speak ill of them but if you watch Netflix’s Chef’s Table you’ll hear about his awful tyranny and how much people hated working with him. Anyway, I was plating one of his dishes in a line of ten chefs, and I served a tiny smidgen too much sauce on one plate. He screamed at me so horrifically that my colleague started crying. It was absolutely horrendous.

Best thing to happen?
Three months later I was told I had to go to Charlie’s house to cook a private dinner for him and some of his friends. I was absolutely sh*tting myself.  But when I showed up not only did he NOT remember me – thank fck – but he showered me with praise and was the nicest guy ever. It was like Jeckyll and Hyde.

Best dish you’ve ever had?
From Alinea in Chicago, a dish called the Truffle Explosion. I thought I knew what truffle tasted like until this little parcel of liquid erupted in my mouth.

Worst dish you’ve tasted?
After smashing a few cans I decided to cook my wife chocolate pudding and I used salt instead of sugar. It is the sort of thing I have screamed at people over before. Maybe I am Jeckyll and Hyde. Actually please don’t print that story.

Sure thing. Best dish you’ve ever invented?
The butter bean salad at Cumulus – using something that people think is crap and making it delicious. Also the marron dish at Cutler I’m pretty happy about too.

Best restaurant in OZ?
Igni in Geelong. Aaron Turner has the most hospitable staff in the industry and has created a really fun place to dine. There is no menu so you are just served whatever they are making, but you will look around at the other tables and people are eating all different things to you. The zucchini stuffed with mussels was so good I could have had another hundred.

Restaurant life goals?
I would like to have a restaurant set up in a shed in the North Island of NZ, that has a huge kitchen garden and a caravan out the back where my wife, kids and I live.

Dem carni-folk feels.

ChillOut @ Daylesford (9th – 13th March) – I can guarantee there will be no participants ‘chilling out’.
Groundswell Music Festival @ Lake Tyers Beach (11 March) – finally, the ground is healthy again.
Philip Glass’ KOYAANISQATSI @ Arts Centre (10 March) – Phillip, Koy and Ann do squats. Is the Crossfit craze over yet srsly.
Monochrome Organism @ Juddy Roller (10 – 24 Mar) – what happens when you go home with an accountant.
Tastes of Rutherglen @ Rutherglen (11 – 12 March) – I keep making Rather Glen jokes. Is there room for a Glenn Close joke? Hmm gotta think of one. Don’t forget to think of one before sending out.
Amanda Palmer@ NGV Friday Nights (10 March) – the last of these for the season. Who run da world? The New World Order guys, why?
Run The World TECHFORMATION @ Fed Sq (11 March) – as above.
Who Run The World @ European (12 March) – how are you not getting this?
Shindig By The Sea @ Seaworks Williamstown (9 March) – pirates roll in with the sea mist to smash mugs of rum and spit together, talk treasure and dance to hip hop by Nathaniel Rateliff and C.W. Stoneking (ummm so this is a kewl name).
Port Fairy Folk Music Festival @ Port Fairy (10-13 March) – over weight fancy folks don fairy wings and spew glitter out of their magic wands. Also there is a mass ukulele ensemble. Which is not code for anything.
Golden Plains Festival @ Meredith (11-13 March) – this festival has always sounded really plain.
Lost Trades Fair @ Kyenton (11 – 12 March) – they’ve lost the trades and it isn’t fair. FIND THEM.
Fun Run @ Arts Centre (12 March) -Tristan Meecham runs 42km marathon on a treadmill and the crowd collectively sing: Gurrrl I’m gonna make you sweat, sweat til you can’t sweat no more, and if you cryyyy, I’m gonna push it some more.. hmm so those lyrics sound questionable.
Pokemon Championships @ Melb Park (10 -12 Mar) – how do you get Pikachu onto a bus?? You Pokemon.
Bayside Foodtruck Fiesta @ St Kilda (9 – 13 Mar) – eat by the sea. Sea by the way. Whey in your bowl. Bowl down the pins. Pins looking gewd gurrrrrl. Gurls aren’t for sexualising, man. Man goes to women’s march. Feminist men for #lyf.
12th Australian Music Prize @ Toff (9 March) – all the nominees are from Victoria HUZZAH we are music.
Donut Festival Melbourne @ St Kilda (12- 13 March) – a festival dedicated to getting that sweet sweet D.
The Lion King Pop-Up Cinema @ South Wharf (12 March) – Maaaaa ze venya mada mi diss ama. Hold your little Simbas HIGH.
Close All Slaughterhouses @ Treasury Gardens (11 March) – Animals. Are. Friends.
Asian Street Food Weekend @ Food Truck Park (10 March) – lol yeah cos they just get one weekend trololol #staplediet.
A Weekend In The Garden @ Botanical Garden (11 March) – back in my day we went to gardens on the weekdays too.

Grants Picnic Reserve @ Sherbrooke Forest – In the middle of a rainforest just 45min drive from Smellbourne is the most tranquil and terrifying place in Australia. A peaceful oasis and a human hell in one, where the hierarchical order of man and beast ceases to exist. Beneath a stunning forest canopy of ancient trees, magical ferns and soft green moss, lays a 7 x 7m Gladiator-style arena, of concrete and hard metal barriers – a place that pits us against them.
I am a huge fan of a big cocky – black or white – so when five giant sky-gods flew towards me I did not flinch, but opened my arms lovingly holding aloft a small bowl of seed for them to dine upon. An offering that would encourage us to see through our exteriors and appreciate the spirits within us, knowing that we were team mates all fighting this mortal battle together *until we go up to the alien spaceship above and get recycled again*.
What a fool I was.
Like carnivorous angels from Greek mythology, they attacked. I hadn’t even entered the arena properly when two were head first in the bowl, two were clawing at my back and nipping at my legs and a giant, dragon-sized one was using my head to sharpen its beak. They bit my fingers, scratched the exposed skin off my body, head butted me and one tried to take a chunk of my eyebrow. They drew blood. The battle was short lived, the victors clear.
I retreated whimpering clutching my wounds and searching for an ice pack.
Do I recommend it? Hell yes. The adrenaline from having survived an attack of Winged Zombies of the Sky is still pumping through my veins, four days later.
It’s like a drug – go get yourself hooked.

3 – 5 March

Maddawgs of Melbourne

This is Shaun. His life changed when he turned on the telly one day.

He grew up in Baddaginnie (near Benalla) with his trucker Dad, nurse Mum, three older brothers, and a younger sister. They lived the typical country LYF swimming in dams, dodging snakes, snogging cousins and eating dirt. All roads were leading to Shaun being a bonafide cuntry boy, until he switched on the telly and Heartbreak High came on. Up on screen was the kewlest person imaginable – the ultimate bad@ss who 1) lived in a warehouse; 2) rolled with a kewl krew; 3) smooched on a mega-bae; and 4) had a fully siqq eyebrow ring. Sitting there on the floor in the lounge room in the middle of country Victoria, Shaun made a life changing decision: one day he would be as kewl as Drazick. He asked mama where he could find a warehouse and once he was of age, he packed his swag and headed south for tinseltown to fulfill those #WAREHOUSEDREAMZ.

Once in Melbs he got a job booking bands and while on the toot, found a warehouse in Fitzroy to rent and badda-bing Shaun had himself his Drazic Dreamland. He moved in and covered the huge costs by renting out floor space to South Americans backpackers, building new rooms – including a second level complete with a milk crate stair case – out of things they found on the street. A few years later, the council found out about the Church of Heartbreak High and tore down Shaun’s empire. But that didn’t matter cos this guy had MADE HIS DREAMZ COME TREW.

To complete the checklist Shaun 1) has turned the warehouse into the hella successful exhibition studio Juddy Roller; 2) manages the country’s best street artists; 3) has his own mega bae (who you may remember); and 4) STOP – no deal for Shauno on the eyebrow ring.

Shaun is the main man behind the Brim Silo Art Trails as well as Wall To Wall Festival which is on 7th – 9th April in Benalla and sees 27 of the best international and local street artists turn this country town into an outdoor #melbournelaneway.

So, head yawself to Wall To Wall for that weekend and if you tell him you’re a Sprink, Shaun promises to buy you a beer.

This weekend in Melbourne

Virgin Australia Melbourne Fashion Festival @ Melbs bae (1-19 March) – Sir Dicky shaves his legs and directs the fashun curious down the aisle noting that there are many exists that could be behind you #buymeadrinkfirst
Australian International Air Show @ Avalon (3 – 5 March) – not interested? Just don’t look up.
White Night Ballarat @ The Rat (4 March only) – Sovereign Hill staff creep out from the shadows to boil billy tea on Sturt Street and watch creeps from the city  enjoy their town as it gets SUPER LIT boiiiiiii… also GOLD (I can’t not)
Jurassic Park live in concert @ MSO (3 – 4 Mar) – “rawr” means I love you in dinosaur #2008Flashbacks
All American Block Party @ Food Truck Park (3-5 March) – quarterbacks with perfect teeth drink out of red cups and sexualise women. A total one-off.
Collective Vision 130 Years @ Bendigo Art Gallery (4 March – 28 May) – the team from the Fred Hollows Foundation share selfies with seeing eye dogs who bark each time Hugo Weaving starts heading the wrong way (that was a good film, no?).
Dancing with Death @ Arts Centre  (2 – 4 March) – then getting a drink with him at the bar, flirting a little, touching your hair a lot. He asks you if you want to go somewhere quieter and you look shyly at him and agree. He takes you to QBar and you dance with a mop, have a drink with Derryn Hinch and request My Island Home by Christene Anu which they miraculously play as the sun comes up. True story.
Kilmore Coutry Music Festival and Ute Competition @ Kilmore (4-5 March) – That is ~literally~ not enough. Kill more.
Australian International Documentary Conference 2017 @ ACMI (5-8 Mar) – the guys from Making a Murderer and the entire creative team from SBS catch up.
John Thorn’s Background Boy @ Butterfly Club (28 Feb – 5 Mar) – I don’t need to lose my job. Imma leave this one here.
2017 Reptile and Amphibian Expo@ Showgrounds (4 March) – omfreaking gee I don’t think I have ever been so excited for an event since the Melbourne International Flower and Garden Show. Like actually tho #hangingbasketcompetitor2014-17
1950’s Pool Party @ Mooramong Homestead (4 March) – a party with 1,000 babies. Sigh. This is a reference to the baby boom after WW2. Also a solid reason to not include this joke if it needs explaining.
Shepparton Beach Volleyball Competition @ Sheppo (3-5 Mar) – hot bodies head to Sheppo.  For the first time ever. Oh no she di-ent.
Shepparton Festival @ Sheppo (1 – 19 Mar) – oh wow there are other things on besides perving. Phew cos I’m sooooo not into that #personality
Warrnabool Suffer Fest Tri @ the Bool (4-5 March) – and the lord decreed they gather at the shoreline of The Bool listening to Shania Twain on repeat to repent their sins and suffer like JC on the cross
Revving the River Festival @ Echuca (3 – 5 Mar) – get your motorboats running, head em up the Murray, looking for adventure and whatever comes your way.. which will probably be a cod
Macedon Ranges Music Festival @ Macedon (4 Mar) – beautifully coloured leaves fall from the trees always moving forwards never back, upwards never forwards and always twirling, twirling, twirling.
Mt Baw Baw Trail Run Festival @ Mt B.B (4 Mar) – run through the forest RUN
The Australian Chamberlain Championships and Tractor Pull @ Corowa (4 –  5 Mar) – babies, dingos and Meryl Streep are 100% invited.

Eat / Drink by The Sprink

A review by our social media coordinator Sam.

MSO Plays The Russians @ Sidney Myer Music Bowl
And let me tell you, people were Russian to get a place on the grass. I arrived at 4:45pm. My friends were late – “walking slowly we sweaty’ – but they redeemed themselves. I’m talkin’ cheeses, wines, breads, fruits, QUINCE PASTE.

It was a hella hot arvo, but turned into an ace Melbourne night. The sea of people was getting bigger, and bigger, and the night was close to kickin off. Now, disclaimer: classical music is not my forte (side note, I’ve just found out that forte is some sort of musical word…), I’m more of a Delta G kind of guy. I was out of my depth. I didn’t even know how to pronounce Tchaikovsky, and to be perfectly frank, I still don’t. But that don’t matter, gurl.

The music began. Personal space was no longer an issue. We, as the audience, were one. ONE BEING.

Interval came and went, timed perfectly with the sunset. The bats began to fly overhead, the city skyline was practically on top of us, and the music began to play. At this point of the night my wine and cheese buzz was starting to wear off. I lay on the grass, became one with a mosquito and watched the stars come out while the Orchestra played Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty. A stunning piece accompanied by a stunning view; suddenly I felt as though I was the only person there. SPOILER: tho I wasn’t ‘cos the gal pals next to me kept talking about what constitutes as being a sex slave #MELBOURNEHOOKERS

IT WAS FUN. MSO have an event on this Friday/Saturday. YOU SHOULD GO AND SEE THE DINOSAURS #JurassicPark