7 – 9 april
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Maddawgs of Melbourne

This is Paul. He is a comedian. He loves football BUT he is also a strong FEMINIST which makes me want to chuck him on my shoulders and parade him around the ‘G singing Montell Jordan’s one and only track. He was living the #Australiandream as prepared to follow the formula: marry, single career path, mortgage, renovations, trip on the QE2 and sayonara.. but something from deep within was calling him.

When did you realised you wanted to be a comedian?
I used to get asked to make speeches all the times – weddings, birthdays, ceremonies, special occasions – people laughed a lot and I thought ‘Maybe I could do something with this’. I wrote a 5min set and spent 2 weeks solid practising into a broom stick.

How did it go?
I was offered a paid spot the second I walked off stage. But my second gig was shocking. Because the first one had been so successful, I thought I was some sort of comic messiah so I didn’t practise. I went on stage drunk and didn’t connect with the crowd at all. I bombed so badly.
Third gig was great and within a year I was on an ABC show called Something Hot Before Bed and had a spot on Hey Hey, Its Saturday.

OMG Daryl Somers. Was he a, um, fan of skiing on white powdered snow? I always got that impression?
No. Well not that I know, but I don’t go skiing. I’m more of a beach guy.

I literally don’t know what you’re talking about. I meant drugs. Anyway, is it true that all comedians are actually depressed and sad on the inside?
Everyone is human and I think that each person on earth battles something within, no matter what their career path.
I suffered from anxiety for a long time. I had my first panic attack on the train on the way to a gig. I felt all eyes on me, then started sweating and I sat on the floor near the doors absolutely freaking out. Anytime I was in public after that I would have panic / anxiety attacks, which is not ideal for someone who performs on stage. I went to the doctor thinking I could get a pill to fix it. I started going to therapy but that didn’t work. I became really depressed after that and couldn’t get out of bed.

I’ve had anxiety, it’s the absolute worst. How did you sort yourself out?
I called Beyond Blue who put me onto Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria which offers group therapy. It was the first time I had met other people who suffered from it and had exactly the same levels of symptoms as me. My first stand up gig after that was a fundraiser for ADAVIC.

Where have you worked and what was your fave?
Before The Game, The Project, Friday Front Bar, Rove.. but my favourite job was  my role as ‘sex shop worker guy’ in The Secret Life of Us. My biggest regret is that he didn’t get his own spin off series.

So how are you now?
I’m great. I feel a lot more in control of myself and my life, and I am the happiest I have ever been. I have two amazing daughters who give it to me everytime I see them. They are so much smarter and wordly than me, it’s just awesome. My career is going great. I have the coolest and craziest fun girlfriend who makes me feel more normal than ever. We just moved in together. She is the one.

Sickdawg. Please send me a man version of her. Where can we see you perform (comedy, not.. anything else)
Damian Callinan and I are playing at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival as The Wine Bluffs. I’m also on tonight at the livesite in Federation Square for the World’s 50 Beset Restaurants awards where I will try to find out who Melbourne’s biggest wine wanker is. All the Sprinks should come down!

This weekend in Melbourne

In-case you forgot… the World’s 50 Best Live Site is on tonight. And I will be there sprinking myself left, right and centre. Looking forward to seeing you there, sprinkees.

This week
Melbourne International Comedy Festival @ Melbourne (until 23 Apr) – go to Hairy Little Sister while the comedy fest is on. Put on an accent. Pretend you have a show. Live large.
Autumn Festival @ Mount Macedon (8 – 30 Apr) – aka the selfie season.
House of Mirrors @ Bendigo Art Gallery (7 – 30 Apr) – a naked Helen Mirren gazes at herself from multiple angles, while the Chinese guy from out the front of the NGV plays his squeaky instrument, in this 2hr live-streamed performance in the middle of Bendigo Art Gallery.
Rock & Roll Writers Festival Tour Edition @ Abbotsford Convent (9 Apr) – I’m gonna rock and roll all nightttttttt, and write in an old leather-bound book ev-a-ree day
Rock & Roll Live Band Karaoke @ Woodys (launching 5 April) – okokok if you read the name of this event and didn’t need to change your underpants afterwards then you need to re-eval urLYF
Pentridge Festival @ Pentridge Prison (8-9 April) – yas please, mama likes a bad boi.
Pigs do Fly @ Flying Brick Cider (7 April) – yas gurrrrl U GET PORKED. I mean, “get dat pork”, ma bad
Rip Curl Pro @ Bells Beach (12 – 24 Apr) – move over GHDs the newest hair styling instrument is OUT NOW
Benalla Street Art – Wall to Wall @ Benalla (7-9 April) – from the window, to the wall, to the wall, to the wall, to the wall… 25 artists means 25 walls and I ain’t got time to write it all out
Women’s Nude Yoga @ The Yoga Place (8 Apr) – following Helen Mirren’s show, the Bendigo Art Gallery turns into a bikram yoga studio where ladies are invited to join the performance.
Melbourne Burger Invitational @ Welcome to Thornbury (6 Apr) – it better than a sausage fest? IDK.
The Big Chicken Festival @ Food Truck Park (7 Apr) – formerly known as Scaredy Cat Festival
Pixar in Concert by the MSO @ Hamer Hall (7-8 April) – more like M S Ohhh yeahhh there’s some good concerts lately.
A March to Identity @ SPACE (until April 25) – should be renamed ‘An April to Identity’

Eat & Drink by The Sprink
Guys Sebastian’s song by social media guy SAM – ok so while I’ve been werkin’ on this weeks instalment I had this overwhelming sensation that I needed 2003 Guy Sebastian in my life and oh my sweet jesus he has not disappointed. This song is EV ER Y THING. I’ve had it on repeat for 15 minutes, and I urge you to listen to it. It’s hella inspiration, especially the second verse that I forgot existed. #Guy4PM


Dan is on holiday so we don’t have any new sketches. Instead here is a photo I took of a place in the city. Where is it? Guess it right and win a sprink, nominate a Maddawg or write your own sprink review.

LAST WEEKS SKETCH was Royal Arcade and it was guessed by Ned (who will be submitting his own sprink review), who said:
I once bought a singlet with Bali written on it. I haven’t been to Bali, but I intended to wear ironically, by which I mean, like a dckhead smartarse who thinks taking the piss out of other people’s taste and opinions is funny. Never did though. Why would I wear a singlet? Fck was I thinking? I was quite young but it’s no excuse.