Maddawgs of Melbourne

This is Amos. He is funny, kind and generous. But he never used to be that way.. because back in the day when he didn’t live in #Melbourne, he was a high-end dealer at a casino. He started off werkin the floors as a $10 black-jack dealer and graduated to the high-rollers, V-VIP rooms and then Private Salons (millionaires who are flown in by The Cas, to play their own games in their own rooms, with waitresses, catering whatever they want). He has seen everything from proposals, to strokes, to people relieving themselves (1’s & 2’s) because they don’t want to leave the table.
Who is the richest person you’ve met?
One of the world’s biggest land owners (he owns a section of The Amazon) who was a huge unit of a man, used to fly in a lot to play baccarat. We were never allowed to call him by his real name, we had to refer to him in code aka ‘Mr A’. One night he was betting $725k per hand which was the max at the time. He won three times in a row, while his wife/mistress sat there watching in her PJs, hotel slippers on and the biggest diamond necklace you’ve ever seen in your life. When he won the third game, he ashed out his massive cigar and looked me in the eyes for the first time, and said in a deep, broken Chinese accent ‘You’re my million dollar man’. He lit another cigar and kept playing like nothing had happened.
Weirdest thing you have seen?
A CEO flew over his top 40 sales men and women from around the world, for a pyjama party. Everyone was in bedding attire, drinking from the open bar and hitting each other with pillows. The CEO sat at the table in his business suit playing blackjack ignoring them all while they ran around rampant like drunk 6yr olds.
Happiest winners?
Two really drunk bachelors spent the day at the casino. They couldn’t stop winning, and ended up building towers of $5k chips, which stood around 2.5 meters tall and tallied over $1 million. They were buying top-shelf tequila for everyone in their sight, and were throwing $5k chips at the waitress whenever she passed them. She came past a lot.
Has anyone lost their sh*t at you?
Oh hell yeah. Patrons just smash anything they can, rip up cards, demand new dealers or scream at your face. There was a regular high-roller who would chant and curse us and our families if he ever lost. Some staff were scared of him and refused to work his table.
Do you feel bad watching people lose their money?
You do when you are a new dealer and you actually feel bad that people lose so much money. But as time passes and you get burnt by rude patrons and you see more and more money come through you start to separate your own emotions from the job and it slowly stops affecting you. The first day in the private salons was eye opening for me as people bet the amount it costs to buy a house and barely bat an eyelid. It’s hard to go from that to someone complaining about losing $5 and in your head you think “seriously it’s $5 don’t bet money you can’t afford to lose”
The Sprink is poor. If I decide to head to #Crown one night, what are your tips?
Baccarat has the best odds. But only go if you want to have a bit of light fun. Don’t take it seriously.
People often ask me ‘How do I win?’ and I say ‘Fold your money in half, turn around and walk out’. There is no other way – the House always wins.

This weekend in Melbourne

World Sideshow Festival @ Ballarat (11 – 13 May) – bring out the freaks. But the freaks are sleeping? Then we all say ‘yeah Pulp Fiction has such a good soundtrack’.
Good Beer Week @ Melbs (12 – 21 May) – all the good bears come out to play #werehere #werequeer #wedontwantanymorebears (that is from Arrested Development if you didn’t know the reference. And now I have gone and ruined the joke by explaining it. Great.)
My Fair Lady @ Regent (12 May – whenevs) – #kwain Julie Andrews is here to direct it – ALL HAIL THE KWAIN
Mahmoud Ahmed and Ali Birra with The Jazmaris @ Arts Centre (14 May) – ETHIOPIAN JAZZ. I have no idea what makes jazz Ethiopian, but boiiiiii am I keen to find out.
La Fiera Italian Fest @ Myrtleford (16-21 May) – I am a huge fan of Italian meatballs.
Big Vegan Market @ Royal Exhib Building (13 May) – make a lol about ‘how can there be big vegans when all the eat is twigs and leaves?’ but like, funny. Don’t forget before sending out.
European Food Fest @ Foodtruck Park (12-14 May) – Eurovision is coming. Sample the men I mean foods of the countries performing. EUROVISIONNNN
Westcoast Swing Dance Party @ Fed Square (13 May) – The Eagles put their keys in a bowl then dance around singing their team song.
Country Festival @ MCG (13 May) – Aunt Pam talks about the new dog and Australia’s education system. Uncle Pete complains about the laziness of youth, recent rainfall and ‘Georgia’s got a new foal’. Cousin Emma says ‘Or course houses cost that much. What do you expect, living in the city?’. Cousin Zoe says ‘Sprink, you really should marry a country boy. They’re honest and easy, not like those internationals you keep going for with all the drama. Get a nice country boy’. This is what I know of country folk. Aaaand now they have a festival.
Mother’s Day Market @ Heide (14 May) – don’t like yours? GET A NEW ONE.
Davidson Brothers LIVE @ Yinnar Hotel (13 May) – the best banjo duo in THE COUNTRY. Fun fact: they are not married to their cousins.
The Black Jesus Experience @ Melb Bowling Club (12 May) – the greatest opportunity to talk about my ex. But I will not. No I will not.
Ngarrga Bullarto Mirnian (Full Moon Party) @ Fed Square (11 May) – Leo DiCaprio and Tilda Swinton re-enact their Koh Phangan scene.
Barring Yanabul (We All Walk the Path) @ Melbourne (13 May) – we are all on the same path. Elbows in please.
Tooronga Baban Nganjin (New Mums Ceremony) @ Burrarung Marr (14 May) – a welcome ceremony for bubs where Elders will gift them their first possum skin pelt. Literally.
Carmen @ Arts Centre (4 – 26 May) – Carmen San Diego is on the run again. We all go to the public libraries to find out what books she borrowed to guess which country she could possibly be in and then we all buy flights to go there. We find the next book she borrow and so on until someone invented the internet, tracking humans by smart phones and.. man that was such a good game though.
High Country Harvest @ High Country (5-21 May) –  I hear this’ll be the last week to see the autumn leaves in all their glory, before they, you know, drop, and the trees’ voices break.
Materiality @ Hawthorn Town Hall Gallery (13 May – 2 July) – curated by RMIT students, this exhibition explores the lyrics of rap music in today’s society, and the direct effect it has on the cost of ‘grills’.
World Class Cocktail Week @ Melb (7 – 13 May) – keeping standards high. And drunk. And in need of a kebab at 2am.

Eat / Drink by The Sprink

The day I was sick and had three lunches.
by SAM our social media guy.

Lunch #1: Lemongrass Beef with Noodles from Misschu.
It was hella yum, but H.messy. I ate it in public in a white shirt which is now currently soaking at home because it’s got meat juices all over it… and not the good kind. 7/10

12 – 14 may

Lunch #2: Chicken Schnitty Wrap from Druids Cafe.
If you’re ever at the seedy end of Swanston you’re almost guaranteed to walk past Druids. I’ve ignored it for a while but lemme tell you, it’s hella bomb. Cheap food, bad service, classic Melbourne. It’s the sort of place that will NEVER use Almond Milk because they don’t know it’s a thing yet. But the wrap is amaze. One week I got it four times and by the fourth day the girl let me skip the queue cos she knew what I was there for. Sister gets it. 6/10

12 – 14 may

Lunch #3: Toasted Sandwich from my fridge.
It’s no surprise that I love a bitta Italian sausage, so putting salami in sanga was a no-brainer. However, once toasted I kept doing that thing where you don’t bite all the way through and then you end up with a whole bit of salami in your mouth which ruins the rest of the sandwich to salami ratio. 3/10

12 – 14 may

CAN YOU GUESS WHERE THIS IS?

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